Uwe Boll: The Antifilmmaker

I decided to start this blog by writing about the person(or whatever he is) that I hate more than anything else in the world, Uwe Boll. UWE BOLL, only the name sounds like a joke. This man has brought us such classics as House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne, and so on, and so on. What do basically all of his movies have in common(besides being awful)? Thay are all based on videogames. Not that they look anything like the games they are based on, but still I guess the stories are similar.

The first one I saw by him was House of the Dead, and I gotta tell ya, I wish I hadn't. From start to finish, this movie just mocks our intelligence and destroys all hope I had in humanity. It stars some unknown teenage actors, but you can't really call them actors cause I don't see anyone acting. They just look like some random people in the street that just happened to walk into a studio and then somehow ended up in the movie.
The plot goes like this: Some kids hears of a big party on an island and decides to go there. They get over to the island by boat, and who plays the captain of the boat? Jürgen Prochnov from Das Boot. Why Jürgen? Why? I understand if you did it for money, but still, did you even read the script? Something is just wrong about that. However, it isn't unusual for Uwe Boll to have
good actors in his shitty movies. Bloodrayne for example has Ben Kinglsey and Michael Madsen in big parts, and In the Name of the King has Jason Statham, Burt Reynolds and John-Rhys Davies. There's just something weird about it.
Anyway, back to House of the Shit. The kids go to the island and party down when suddenly, big surprise, zombies starts to kill everyone. But hold on, this isn't your usual zombies with slow walks, missing body parts and blood dripping from their mouth, no, these look like shit. I mean they look like bad halloween costumes. I knew this was low-budget, but still, come on! Oh, and i almost forgot, they jump... They fucking jump like crickets. WHO WROTE THIS SHIT! Who
actually sat down and said to himself "hmm, how can I destroy peoples love for zombies in movies, oh yeah I let them jump around!" Oh and i haven't told you the worst part yet. Sometimes, for some insane reason, they show cuts from the videogame. They actually show cutscenes from the videogame in the movie. I am speechless.
So the kids end up in a house and then there's some evil guy there, and shit happens and then a helicopter comes and saves the survivors(I wish a helicopter would have saved me from this movie). There, know you don't have to see this stinkbomb.

This is just one example of what a bad filmmaker Uwe Boll is. And why does he keep making them. Because he is a brilliant businessman. He has a system so that even if his movies fail to make money he still gets money, or something I have no idea how it works. There's a petition to stop Uwe Boll from making movies and over 350 000 people has signed it, so it's nice to know that everyone hates this bratwurst.

Here's a list of his movies so that you know which to avoid:

House of the Dead
Alone in the Dark
Bloodrayne
Bloodrayne II(yeah a sequel)
In the Name of the King
Postal
Seed
Tunnel Rats
Far Cry
Heart of America
Stoic
Backwoods